


The Virgin Carpenter Forme of Arceus

by dainochild



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series), Pocket Monsters: Black & White | Pokemon Black and White Versions
Genre: Christmas Fluff, M/M, Meeting the Parents, Tumblr Ask Box Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-24
Updated: 2012-12-24
Packaged: 2018-03-16 23:23:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3506573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dainochild/pseuds/dainochild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On the way home for Christmas, Black frantically tries to explain to N (who is about to meet his very Christian mother for the first time) what Christmas is all about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Virgin Carpenter Forme of Arceus

**Author's Note:**

  * For [a tumblr anon](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=a+tumblr+anon).



> This was basically part of a challenge to write as many Christmas fics as I could. I think my awkward mashing of Pokemon Mythology and Christian lore is pretty decent here x:

“Okay, before we get home, Christmas quiz,” Black called. Shouting at each other as Reshiram got carried away with creative flying wasn’t always the best idea, but there wasn’t a lot of time. Black had been raised by a very definitely and very proudly Christian mother who he doubted would approve of N’s question of a month ago, about who this Christian guy was and why people were throwing a mass in his favour by buying things.

“I’m sure I know it all now.”

“Who’s Jesus Christ?”

“Our Lord and Saviour, apparently, who is said to have hatched from an egg laid by Arceus and given to a virgin Pokémon Trainer named Mary. I do not know why her being a virgin matters but it’s apparently a big deal because her title is the Virgin Mary, which is rude, her sexual situation should have nothing to do with her being a good person and —”

“Stay on target!”

“— and Jesus Christ died for our sins. By getting nailed to a cross. I don’t understand what that has to do with our sins. Jesus dying has nothing to do with my poor-informed decision to rule Unova.”

“No, no, he died so our sins could be _forgiven_ ,” Black stressed. “We’re all born with Original Sin —”

“Because an ekans gave a woman an apple. I don’t think this religion is very nice to women, why does your mother like it so much?”

“I dunno, I really have no idea, but, Jesus dying forgives our Original Sin so we can like… commit other sins and, get forgiven for them… or… uh…”

“I believe in Arceus, but I don’t believe in this,” N said. “Does that mean I’m an Atheist?”

“No idea,” Black replied. “Just, Jesus, was born on Christmas Day so we throw a party and give each other presents.”

“I didn’t get any presents for them.”

“I know, I got them from both of us. Seemed the best idea after you gave White that bidoof toy for her birthday.”

“It does look like her,” N insisted.

“Don’t get weirded out by the tree, just act like it’s all normal, I have no idea what my mum’d say if she finds out you don’t know everything there is to know about Jesus,” Black summarised nervously. He’d been saying something similar for the past week.

“She would most likely cry something about how horrible Ghetsis is,” N replied. “And then her attempts to educate me herself would be hindered by her own lack of education and dependence on daytime television.”

“Don’t be rude about my mother, it’s Christmas.”

Reshiram growled slightly and N started to laugh.

“You too!” Black cried.

They landed in Nuvema a few minutes later. White came running out to meet them, Bianca following with a firm grip on her glasses.

“N!” they both cried joyfully, throwing their arms around him.

N spluttered in confusion.

“We missed you so much!” they chimed in unison. “Our lives are just so empty without you, Lord N.”

Sighing, Black grabbed N’s hand and tugged him away.

“No!” they gurgled. “Possessive boyfriend attack!”

“You’re idiots,” Black sighed.

“Great to see you too, little bro,” White grinned. “Cheren’s not back from Aspertia yet, but…”

“Good,” N muttered under his breath. Black elbowed him.

“But he says he’s coming later today, if he can get that Hugh kid to stop making goo-goo eyes at him.”

“Not good,” N muttered.

“How’s research?” Black asked Bianca, grabbing N’s hand. No matter what happened, N seemed determined to hate Cheren for that one comment about his talking.

“Good!” Bianca cried. “N, you know that thing you were saying, about how we should stop researching catch rates on PokéBalls and start researching less abusive and controlling ways to travel with and befriend pokémon if that’s really what it’s about? Well, Juniper spent a week in a PokéBall and we’re stilly studying the effects.”

Reshiram roared loudly.

“Okay, damn, fatass, we’ll get you some food,” Black said. “What do you want?”

Reshiram blew a puff of smoke.

“No, you cannot go char-grill all the pidove on Route 3.”

Reshiram huffed.

“Wow, you’ve gotten freaky good at that, Hilderp,” White said.

“Yes, he has,” N said proudly.

Black turned back to the house. “Well. Let’s get this over with.”

The inside of the house was lined with Christmas lights. The tree was enormous and covered completely in tinsel, ornaments, lights and candy canes. Large boxes were wrapped in red and green and piled under and around it. A framed picture of Jesus was on the mantel, right next to the nativity scene.

“Mom was excited,” White remarked. “First Christmas with your lovely stalker-pal.”

Black groaned and went to the kitchen, trying to find something for Reshiram. Mom was in there, basting a turkey.

“Hey,” he said.

“Oh, Hilly!” she cried excitedly. “Where’s N?!”

His family liked N best. Typical.

“He’s in the living-room with White and Bianca.” He opened the fridge. “Uh, what can I feed my Legendary Dragon?”

“I think there’s some onion dip, dear.”

Black was certain that if he gave Reshiram onion dip, she’d start the apocalypse.

“Do we have to go to church tomorrow?” he asked.

“Hmm? Do you want to?”

“Uh… I…” If he said no, Mom wouldn’t be happy. If he said yes, he wouldn’t be happy. “…N and I are kind of tired, so… it’d be good to know…?”

“Honey, Jesus died for our sins. I think you can sacrifice some sleep.”

“I’m giving Reshi the fish.”

“Okay, Hilly.”

He picked up the plate and walked back to the living-room, where White was trying to talk N into using his so-called powers of prophecy to tell her what was in each box.

“The Inner Eye cannot see on command,” N sighed. “It gives me glimpses of what I need to see, not what I want to see.”

“But what if someone was giving you a bomb?” White asked.

N’s eyes narrowed. “Are you giving me a bomb?”

White smiled innocently. “Where’d you get that idea?”

N looked at Black in exasperation. Black shrugged and stepped around him, going out to give Reshiram the fish.

“I hope it’s enough to keep you from killing all the pidove.”

Reshiram sniffed it and roared in approval.

If Cheren turned up, he was busy with his parents. Bianca went home before dark and Black was left with a Christmas Eve feast with his overly curious and determined to embarrass sister, his overly affectionate mother and N kept staring at the portrait of Jesus on the cross in horror.

“Just go with it,” Black muttered to him while Mom was heating up the pudding.

“It’s a very confusing custom to just go with,” N retorted.

“But you get presents so just go with it,” White added. “That’s all most people care about anyway. Presents, giving them and receiving them, spending time with the family, having a couple of days off to remember that you all hate each other as much as you love each other…”

“That makes more sense than the virgin egg-hatched human carpenter Arceus thing,” N said, glaring slightly at Black. “Why didn’t you just say that?”

Black shrugged nervously. “Slipped my mind…?”

White laughed. “Ah, men.”

They went to church before they were allowed to open presents. White did her usual pretending to have her head bowed in respectful prayer while she was sleeping, Mom was moved to tears by the beauty of Jesus as usual, but Black got to sit there holding hands with his boyfriend and lying against him in a church. That was definitely a good addition to the tradition.


End file.
